Le cul entre les deux chaises

An American Spaniard in France or: How I Learned to Make an Ass of Myself in Three Cultures

Typical Spaniards in a hotel bar

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INT. HOTEL LOBBY BAR, REPUBLIQUE AREA, PARIS

A COUPLE sits at a circular table. They are speaking in Spanish.

A WAITER approaches the COUPLE’s table.

MAN
Un moscatel y una Coca-cola, ambiente.

WAITER
Pardon?

MAN
Pero, ¿usted no habla español?

WAITER
Non espagnol.

MAN
(huffs audibly in direction of wife)
Iiiiing-glish?

WAITER
Yes, English.

MAN
One moscatel, Coca ambient.

WAITER
Coca, yes. Other?

MAN
¡Moscatel! ¡Moscatel!

MAN slams his open palms onto the table top. They bounce back up to the height of his shoulder as he yells “Bá!” This is Spanish for “I am annoyed at your stupidity.” WAITER looks at MAN with a stupid expression on his face. MAN does not respond, so WAITER scurries away.

MAN (to his WIFE)

Estos franceses, ¿quien se creen?

WIFE
Ya lo sé, ya lo sé.

Learn something

Spanish people are assholes. I’ve said this before, but it’s true and bears repeating. One of their most pronounced characteristics is that they are proud of being assholes and stubbornly believe that every single thing about all non-Spanish people is inferior.

In the classic example above, the guy orders drinks in Spanish and, when confronted with a waiter who doesn’t speak it, orders exactly the same thing in pretend English.

Catalan Moscatell

To cap off this quintessentially Spanish exchange, the man feels that it’s okay to demean the waiter by loudly drawing attention to his deficiencies in a public space and then commiserate with his wife about how the French think they’re above everyone (when they clearly aren’t since they don’t even speak Spanish).

[For the record, he wanted Muscat wine and a room-temperature Coke for his wife. Neither of these things are typical drink orders.]

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Author: le cul en rows

I'm an American Spaniard, living in France. I like to tell stories.

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