Le cul entre les deux chaises

An American Spaniard in France or: How I Learned to Make an Ass of Myself in Three Cultures

Yo, Gurt! C’mere!


Yogurt. Yoghurt. Yoghourt. Yaourt. Yogur.

I don’t like you, fermented milk stuff. I don’t like your freakish consistency, neither solid nor liquid. I don’t like that you’re marketed in all kinds of gross variations that just confuse the matter further. Most importantly, I don’t trust a thing that doesn’t even know how to spell its own name.

This is the kind I eat. It tastes less like snot than most.

This is the kind I eat. It tastes less like snot than most kinds.

“Oh,” you argue. “I’m Turkish. My original name is yoǧurt so it’s not my fault that foreigners can’t decide on a spelling.”

“Well,” I spit right back, “‘baklava’ is Turkish too and everyone’s agreed to keep its original spelling. Who are you hiding from, Yoǧurt? What are you really after? Who do you work for?!”

Of course, Yoǧurt doesn’t respond because it’s a weird blob thing and isn’t sentient (that I know of).

This granola (muesli, whatever) has NO coconut and is 2€ cheaper than other kinds.

This granola (muesli, whatever) is 2€ cheaper than other kinds and turns yogurt into something which must be chewed.

Despite my concerns about what exactly is going on with yoǧurt, I probably eat eight servings a month for a single reason: I am incredibly lazy. It’s just too damn easy to scrape some nasty yogurt into a bowl and mix it around with a lot of granola and call it dinner. Plus, the label says that it’s better for me than most foods and it contains all kinds of good bacteria and my digestive system seems to agree, so. . .

Here I am, eating yoǧurt.

If that’s even its real name.

A Dumb Joke

Q: What’s the difference between (insert name of place you don’t like here) and yogurt?

A: Yogurt has active culture. [Thank you and have a good weekend!]

Author: le cul en rows

I'm an American Spaniard, living in France. I like to tell stories.

15 thoughts on “Yo, Gurt! C’mere!

  1. Very funny…though I must admit I love the stuff. I eat it in all kind of variations on my muesli, on fruits, with maple syrup, with jam…

  2. Hee hee. I liked your yogurt joke.

  3. I am SO glad to know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Back, o foul gelatinous substance!

  4. Store-bought yogurt is at least presented in a clean, modern package that disguises its origins as rancid milk. Far more stomach-turning is that people deliberately keep giant mold blossoms in their fridge to be able to prepare a probiotic drink known as kombucha. It’s a bit of a fad in the States. Do an image search for “kombucha mother” or “kombucha mushroom” and you’ll never be the same again.

  5. Gotta love that joke — it goes down a treat when I tell it, in my American accent, to Australians. They luuuuuuuuuurve it. (Not so much, actually.)

    • Ooooh! I bet Australians have a funny way of saying yogurt! They do something distinctive with their vowel sounds — is it elongating or clipping them?

      • American English speakers use dipthongs; Australians use TRIPthongs!

      • Whoa. There are some triphthongs in Spanish which are crazy enough, but I can’t imagine what English words Australians would do it too. Are there a lot of triph sounds in some Aboriginal language?

      • Aboriginal languages are highly diverse — there were thousands of them before white settlement, and they haven’t affected Australian English except in words that everyone knows like ‘billabong’ and ‘digeridoo’. I’m not sure where the tripthongs came from, but suspect it’s the pattern of settlement of the mixture of Irish (convicts) British (convicts/settlers), and then Italians/Greeks (immigrants).

        Also, the longer your mouth is open here, the more flies can get in…

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