Le cul entre les deux chaises

An American Spaniard in France or: How I Learned to Make an Ass of Myself in Three Cultures

My complaint department

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Even though I have a way more relaxed take on life than I used to, some things still piss me off. A lot. Enough to make me yell at inanimate objects and grind my teeth. Here are some of the recent offenders.

→ Apple. I don’t think I could count how many ways Apple has pissed me off in the last decade. The first one was when they changed the keyboard of the original clamshell iBook to one that was less responsive and comfortable for the second-gen G3 iBooks. More recently was when they updated iTunes, completely overriding years’ (YEARS’!!) of metadata and preference settings that I had already rebuilt twice in the last half decade. And, of course, there’s iOS7 which is a total nightmare.

SOLUTION: All this anger has led me to imagine a perfect machine which is basically a typewriter with a better keyboard and an email client. That’s it. No crazy apps that have dynamic swiping or tweetdecks or constant alerts or other unnecessary crap. Someone please make this happen.

These are just a few of the idiots in question.

These are just a few of the idiots in question.

→ Flies. I supercrazydoublehate flies, not just because they’re dirty (which they 100% are) but because they are insanely stupid. When confronted with a wall of windows, they bounce and bump along one section, not bothering to use the hairs that cover their whole bodies to feel where the breeze is coming from and going towards the most logical point of egress. Also, they love to swarm in cool spaces just out of direct sunlight, meaning there’s always a big gang of them right by the main entrance to my building and in my living room if I leave the windows open.

SOLUTION: I bought fly tape but then they just got stuck and buzzed and buzzed until they died which was equally annoying to them just existing. Second attempt at eliminating them was this amazing Raid product that you stick on windows and, through some kind of sorcery (or possibly nuclear radiation), it absolutely positively kills all the flies in the area so that there is actually a pile of dead flies on the floor when you come home after a few hours. It’s the best thing I’ve come across in ages.

→ Don’t complain to me: I used to be a shift manager at a video store in college* and one of my great pleasures was addressing surly customers. Usually, they’d come in and start complaining about late fees and they’d demand to see the manager and I’d sigh and turn around and come right back to them and say, “Hhhhello, my name is Hhhhh______. I’m the manager hhhhere. Hhhhhow can I hhhhhelp you?” At this point the customer would usually wither and die because I had used my secret weapon: fricative sounds (all those H‘s) combined with a garlic bagel with garlic cream cheese which I would have consumed earlier in my shift. No one could withstand my cool detachment and killer breath.

Go out on some notes

Lykke Li’s “Complaint Department”

*Possibly the best job in the world, RIP the entire industry.

Author: le cul en rows

I'm an American Spaniard, living in France. I like to tell stories.

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