Le cul entre les deux chaises

An American Spaniard in France or: How I Learned to Make an Ass of Myself in Three Cultures

Things I Learned in New York, Part 2


I wear a lot of purple.

I wear a lot of purple.

→ With Filene’s Basement shuttered, I was forced to go to Loehmann’s, its more expensive cousin. At least the girl in the fitting room section put me in the right dressing room. [Ed. Now Loehmann’s is going out of business too! I am crushed.]

→ Even New York bagels aren’t as good as I remember New York bagels being. This may be another case of Thomas Wolfe-ism.

Unchanged since the last time I was there: people put way too much meat in sandwiches. The bread should not bulge on any side and all elements should remain level. If you can’t fit your mouth around the sandwich, it’s too big. Why can no one understand this basic sandwich science rule?

There should be 50% less turkey here.

There should be 50% less total turkey here.

→ If you go into a shop in a nice part of town (i.e. one where all the apartments cost at least $1 million), the salespeople are CRAZY ATTENTIVE. I popped into a place that was maybe five or six times the size of my apartment and there were over 20 young people working in there, folding stuff and plumping merchandise and taking inventory and all of them were really eager to assist me with anything I might ever need. I high-tailed it out of there since they freaked me right the hell out.

→ The subway is much nicer when it’s not a thousand degrees outside and a million underground. Much, much nicer. Downside: it’s hard to spot famous people when everyone’s bundled up. I usually see half a dozen writers, actors or media types on public transit but this time, all I saw were lots of pants tucked into boots and circle scarves.

→ In Paris, I’m the only person I’ve seen playing Candy Crush. In New York, every person playing a game on their smartphone is playing Candy Crush. Every single person. There are no non-Candy Crush games on the subway. I, for one, do not welcome our new Candy-crushing overlords.

→ Mexican food is still the best thing on earth to put in your digestive system. I’m fond of Cafe Ollin in Spanish Harlem. Their green chili enchiladas are delish.

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→ Part 1 is here.

Author: le cul en rows

I'm an American Spaniard, living in France. I like to tell stories.

4 thoughts on “Things I Learned in New York, Part 2

  1. AMEN on the lunchmeat. Why so much? It’s impossible to eat!!

    • I was a sandwich artist before Subway appropriated the term and people always commented on how good mine were. The secret was all in the ratio of meat to everything else and I don’t understand what’s so hard about getting it right. Delis are losing money by putting so much meat in there! It’s infuriating!

  2. It’s not you–it’s harder to find good New York bagels now that both H&H locations are closed. (Sigh.) You’re right about the sandwiches, but the only time that an excess of meat is permissible is when enjoying a lovely pastrami at Katz’s, because you want to have as many slices of that stuff as possible. (It’s also how they can get away with charging $16 for a sandwich with very little on it.) And….now I’m hungry.

    • H&H closed too?!!! Why has everything fallen apart after I left?! I feel so guilty that I didn’t even try to go to H&H but I was so busy with the cheeseburgers that I didn’t get around to it. America is really starting to become the worst. Pretty soon, they’ll be no reason to go back.

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