Le cul entre les deux chaises

An American Spaniard in France or: How I Learned to Make an Ass of Myself in Three Cultures

More adventures in Parisian real estate


Do you think you’re efficient? Are you able to keep an eye on your breakfast while taking a shower? I didn’t think so, but now you can! For only 699€ a month, you can do everything in one space instead of wasting all that time walking across rooms. Toilet sold separately. (Really. It’s in the hallway.)

Appart Adventures kitchen shower 699€

Do you ever take a bath and wonder, “Man, I really wish I could look at the lower half of my body while I’m wet and naked”? Well, now you can! This bathroom comes equipped with the latest in vanity technology — a mirror at crotch level!

Appart mirror

Ladies and gentlemen, look at this kitchen! It’s a chef’s dream! The completely renovated space has all-new appliances including a dish washer, oven with electric cooktop and a full-size fridge! There’s ample storage for all your gadgets and culinary tools. It’s a perfect space! Except the living area is the size of a full mattress and a twin mattress squeezed together. (That is to say, there is no space for actual living.)

Appart Parfait 2

This one may be a personal choice as I don’t like humanoid anythings — dolls, puppets, mannequins, clowns, etc. — possibly due to mean tricks my asshole siblings pulled on me when I was little … but this poorly translated ad totally bothered me for days since I couldn’t stop imaging the horror of what it depicts: a puppet greeting you at the door every day. It’s like some sick Stephen King business.

Pantin is a town outside Paris…and a kind of articulated shadow puppet thingy.

Pantin is a town outside Paris…and a kind of articulated shadow puppet thingy.

Finally, two places that actually have many things going for them. In the first, sadly, one of those features was not an elevator (it’s a sixth floor).

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In the last, the problems are that I can’t afford it and I also hate spiral staircases, but man, those windows are something.

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Author: le cul en rows

I'm an American Spaniard, living in France. I like to tell stories.

8 thoughts on “More adventures in Parisian real estate

  1. This is too funny. The first two truly made me laugh and the the 3rd with the entire apartment taken up by the kitchen is a good one…not easy to find the perfect apartment in Paris….(Suzanne)

    • You guys have been in the same place the whole time, right? If so, I tip my beret to you. I’m gonna keep looking till I find just the right combination of things that aren’t terrible. (Finding the right combo of great things is probably going to be out of my price range for the rest of my life.)

      • We were lucky to find a good apartment when we arrived but we were able to afford to pay more. The apartment is great as a whole but we did make a huge concession on the kitchen which is tiny and has a very tiny oven that keeps breaking. Our other luck is that we have great landlords and wonderful neighbours…I guess we have a good star…

  2. I too had a good laugh at the first two! But wow those windows are amazing and a very nice small kitchen, top notch. The prices are very high, aren’t they? Here in Germany I see many places and think to myself how can anyone afford to live there? We have a tiny 1/2 bath at our place, it’s so small I don’t think I could take a proper photo but it works and has a door!

    • You know the three rules of real estate, right? Location, location, location. In college, my dumpy apartment (4th floor walkup in Chinatown over a restaurant) cost as much as a friend’s whole house in Oklahoma. He and his buddies had formal and informal dining rooms, indiv. bathrooms and a 3-car garage. But I lived in Boston and he, it bears repeating, lived in OKLAHOMA.

      Glad to have made you laugh. That’s my main goal every day.

  3. We once viewed a house where we were greeted by a squawking parrot as we entered the front door. I still don’t know why I didn’t just leave at that point – but if I had, I would have missed seeing the real live ponies in the suburban back garden. I think if someone had chosen that moment to tell me that the next house on the list had a door puppet I would have believed it.

    • But would the puppet have scared you? It’s been almost three weeks since I saw that listing and I am still so creeped out by it even though I _know_ it was a bad Google translation.

      That house sounds horrible, btw. What were they thinking, showing it like that?

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