Le cul entre les deux chaises

An American Spaniard in France or: How I Learned to Make an Ass of Myself in Three Cultures


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Great Conjugation: fusionneront

Here’s a text message I got a while back:

France Télécom et Orange France fusionneront le 30 juin 2013 pour devenir la sociéte ‘Orange’.

I glanced over it and then said, “Hot damn!” because fusionneront is an awesome verb conjugation. How much cooler is it to say fusionneront than “will merge”? Being really poor at number things, I calculate that it’s approximately awesome x infinity to the nth degree. (That sounds about right.)

Another kind of fusion I can get behind.

Train of thought

Merge →→ Mergers and Acquisitions, a thing that people do in movies about corporate finance. [Ed. Also possibly in real life.]

→→ Patrick Bateman was in that division, though he called it Murders and Executions. (What a laugh riot, that guy.)

→→ In French, it’s called Fusion-acquisition, commonly referred to as “fusac.”

→→ FUSAC is a free magazine in Paris whose name stands for France USA Contact. (I think it sounds like a failed US military program.)

→→ You can pick up a copy of FUSAC at Thanksgiving, the American grocery store in the Marais. This is the only place I’ve found regular, original, yellow-boxed Cheerios.

→→ I love Cheerios.

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A product for Patrice Bateman?

patrick-batemanEverybody knows that Patrick Bateman loves Huey Lewis and hates dry cleaners. If he comes to France, he’ll be in the market for a product to remove les taches du sang and I’ve got just the thing for him. This creepy-ass item I came across in my local supermarket.

Help! Blood!

“S.O.S. Sang” = “Help blood.” Who the hell is marketing this stuff?!

The concept of blood stains isn’t foreign to me but the wording of this item’s uses is: “Blood, milk, egg, animal and human stains.” Why not say something less disturbing, like “protein stains” and not make everyone feel uncomfortable? It could just be me, as we’ve already established that, possibly due to excessive movie-watching, I see murder everywhere.

For the Huey haters

I’ve always liked Huey Lewis and the News. They had a bunch of catchy songs that are still fun to sing along to. Lewis also has a great sense of humor about himself and his legacy. You can listen to him on NPR’s “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” (a panel quiz show) a while back, being a good sport.